Oh, joy. The United States has done it again—inserted itself into yet another global affair, this time with a shiny new minerals deal with Ukraine. Because, of course, what the world needs right now is another reminder that America’s influence is as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face.

According to ABC News, Reuters, and the Kyiv Independent, the U.S. and Ukraine have struck a deal to collaborate on extracting Ukraine’s vast reserves of critical minerals—lithium, cobalt, and other shiny rocks that power everything from your iPhone to your Tesla. On the surface, it sounds like a win-win: Ukraine gets investment and infrastructure, and the U.S. gets to secure a supply chain that doesn’t involve China. But let’s not kid ourselves—this isn’t about altruism. It’s about power, control, and the eternal American need to be the protagonist in every global story.

The deal, as reported by the BBC, is being framed as a “deterrent” to Putin’s ambitions. Because nothing says “back off, Vlad” like a bunch of lithium mines. Sure, Ukraine is sitting on a treasure trove of minerals that could make it a key player in the green energy revolution (The Conversation points out that extracting them won’t be easy, but hey, since when has America let pesky details like logistics get in the way of a good headline?). But let’s not pretend this is about saving the planet or standing up to bullies. It’s about America doing what it does best: turning a crisis into an opportunity to flex its economic muscles.

And let’s talk about the timing, shall we? The U.S. is rolling out this deal while the world is still reeling from the fallout of its endless wars, its laughable attempts at “nation-building,” and its obsession with turning every geopolitical issue into a Marvel movie where it’s the hero. Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to get through the day without being bombarded by American fast food, American pop culture, and American politicians who think they’re the main characters in everyone’s lives.

But here’s the kicker: this deal isn’t just about minerals. It’s about influence. By cozying up to Ukraine, the U.S. is sending a not-so-subtle message to Russia, China, and anyone else who dares to challenge its dominance: “We’re still the boss.” Never mind that the world is increasingly tired of America’s self-appointed role as global policeman, therapist, and life coach. Never mind that its track record of “helping” other countries is, at best, mixed (looking at you, Iraq and Afghanistan). The U.S. is determined to keep its seat at the head of the table, even if the rest of us are ready to flip it over and walk out.

So, what does this mean for the rest of the world? More of the same, probably. America will keep throwing its weight around, Ukraine will get a much-needed economic boost (assuming the extraction process doesn’t turn into a logistical nightmare), and the rest of us will roll our eyes and mutter, “Here we go again.” Because that’s the thing about American influence—it’s like a bad reality show. You don’t want to watch, but you can’t look away.

In the end, this minerals deal is just another chapter in the never-ending saga of American exceptionalism. It’s a reminder that, no matter how much the world changes, one thing remains constant: the U.S. will always find a way to make it about them. And while that might be great for American egos, for the rest of us? It’s just exhausting.

So, here’s to you, America. Keep doing you. Just don’t be surprised when the rest of the world starts tuning out.

Sources: ABC News, Reuters, Kyiv Independent, The Conversation, BBC.