"It wasn't until the webpage suddenly changed from the freight company's website to a page full of photos of people being totally inappropriate with their dogs that the penny dropped. This happened to me. A man with 25+ years as a computer support technician, network engineer, and web developer. I'm about as computer literate as they come, and I was so busy congratulating the freight company for their 'innovative service' I didn't see it coming. But let me set the stage."

Chapter 1: The disease.

On Thursday evening I made the decision to sell some stuff that was cluttering up my space. I posted 3 items on facebook marketplace, and one of the guitars quickly started getting some attention including the usual tyre kickers (did I say I wanted to swap it for a damaged kayak?, No you can't just buy the case and leave me with the guitar!).

Friday morning there was more new interest for the same guitar. "Can I come a check it out" type responses, excellent. Then I get this message from Hokitika (first red flag?), "is it still available? I really want it". "Yes" I replied. "Great, I've prepaid freight with [the freight company], all you have to do is click this link (definitely a red flag so large a bull in Shanghai would have charged it. I, however, gave it a friendly wave) and give them the account you want them to pay into. They'll take care of it." So, guard down and completely missing the red flags, I clicked the link. Bear in mind the internet from my room is always terrible, so I didn't think anything of the slow screens, the odd process, and the repeated 'verifications' until it was too late. and then the webpage changed...

Ok, so now you're thinking "Hang on, it's only 9:30 Friday morning and he's been scammed! How can the weekend get any worse?". Well, let me tell you.

First the good news, that morning while out walking the dog and anticipating the eminent sale of my guitar, I withdrew the last significant amount of money I had from an ATM we passed with the intention of enjoying paying cash for a new pair of decent shoes. So when the scammer breached my accounts, he was greeted by pocket change and a credit card languishing over its limit. There's an upside to being broke: no-body can steal what you haven't got.

So, all told, a brief period of panic followed by a nice dose of schadenfreude.

All good then, right?

Chapter 2: The Cure

As soon as my brain comprehended what it was looking at (the dog porn) and why it was looking at it, my chest started tightening. I was straight onto my bank. Once I had explained the situation the gent on the phone was efficient and thorough. He checked all my accounts, confirmed that other than the transfers TO my credit card (ha ha :D), no money had left any of my accounts that shouldn't have. Great, crisis averted. Now to ensure it stays that way. He cancelled my credit and debit cards and issued me with new ones that will arrive in a few days. And he blocked all online and phone access to my accounts. He also wrote extensive notes against my account explaining what he had done and why. Excellent, everything is safe.

"Now." he says.

"All you have to do is go into your nearest (aka: only) branch and they will be able to see my notes. They will provide you with a new account ID and a temporary password."

Those five words. 'All you have to do...' They should be etched on the gates of Hell, right above 'Abandon hope all ye who enter here'.

And remember these points:

1. Going anywhere is not a trivial matter for me. As the full-time carer for my nonagenarian father I'm required to either arrange some-one to be there when I'm not or take him with me. Help often can't be arranged at short notice.
2. Getting in, out, or around the building my banks' branch is located in is it's own special kind of nightmare for drivers and pedestrians alike. Oh, and the only way to pay for parking in this building, is with a card. But I didn't know that yet.

Anyhoo... I'm fortunate this morning, help is available so off I go. I cruise the block around the building hoping for a park. Of course there isn't one, there never is, 2/3 of a block dedicated to buses that are never there, but not a car park to be found. No problem, there's plenty in the buildings parking. It's not until I was walking towards the elevator that I noticed the sign. "Payment by paywave only". Of course. The one thing I definitively did not have. My plastic rectangles of financial freedom were, at that very moment, being ceremoniously guillotined in a secure facility. Ok, but the first 30 minutes is free. How long can it take to get from your car, to the bank, paper work done, and back to the car? Surely that can be done in 20 minutes, 25 tops. Surely. And I've got some cash, it's not like I'm trying to get free parking. Right? I took the easily accessible park right in front of the exit as a good sign and went for it.

Dog I hate queues. Queues are a hot button for me. A great big.. red hot.. hair trigger... button.

I ignore the tightening in my chest and head in. It took all of two minutes to get from my car to the bank. The elevator was right there and I was the only one in it. It was easy to move around the mall, aside from a crowd around the cinema there weren't many people. So, quickly to the bank and in. I was third in the queue. Ok, that's ok. Plenty of time, breath.

Keep breathing...

just breath,...

keep breathing!!!!!

No-body's moving. Now there's 3 people behind me but that's ok, they're behind me. What little conversation is happening at the two counters, it's not about banking, at either of them. And still no-one's moving...

A couple of staff move in and out of the staff area, avoiding eye contact with any of the now eight of us in the queue.

Still breathing...

A woman comes out from the office to the lady at the front of the queue and politely asks her business. "Ok, come with me, I can help with that." But nobody is moving at the counters..?

Now I'm breathing and looking at the clock. Dammit! What time did I get out of the car? Finally some movement at one of the counters, the teller is preparing to hand over some cash - a lot of cash. Hmmmm, plan B perhaps? No, there's two of them and they look like they worked hard for that money. Absolutely no movement at the other counter.

After the 15 minutes from the time I start watching the clock to the time I get to the counter I discovered the issue. She was very polite, quiet, and trying to be as efficient as she could with a computer system that clearly wasn't functioning. I quickly learned that they were all having to keep refreshing their screens, they were getting shut out of pages they were logged into, pages weren't getting sent to printers. The system just wasn't working, so after doing as much as she could for me (take a copy of my id) she assured me that as soon as she was able she would email me my new account id and a temporary password. Ok. Thank you.

Again, less than two minutes to get back to my car. So how long did that all take? Five minutes max between car and bank... Turns out the answer is 'too long'. I got to the gate and waited, dammit, it's not going to let me out! I had cash in my hand and there was a speaker and a button beside me, and there's no-one behind me. I will push the button, speak to the human at the other end, state my case and we will find a solution. So I pushed the button and waited, now there's a car behind me. I pushed the button again and waited. There's that feeling in my chest again. The people in the three cars behind me watched me push the button a third time, and keep pushing...

I don't know how long it took but eventually the gate just went up and I escaped.

Dog I hate queues...

Once I got home the day settled a bit and true to her word, after a couple of hours I received an email. Ok, onto the Bank website - enter account ID - enter password - reset password - confirm reset password - and done. I had my banking screen back, except there were no bank accounts...

Back to phone support. I place the call and get the usual automated response. The system asks me to enter my online ID. I enter it, it asks me to enter my 5 digit PIN. I enter it, I get told it's not a valid PIN. It's only been a valid PIN for 20 odd years!? I try again. Again it asks me for my ID, no problem, it asks me for my PIN and I enter it. This time it also asks me for my DOB. I enter it, it responds with "This is not a valid PIN". WTF!?

So in summary, at this moment I have access to a banking website with no sign of my bank accounts, and an automated system that's not accepting my valid PIN.

I call support again, this time I manage to reach a human. Great, "Ok, let me help you out with that. To start with I'm going to redirect you to our online verification system..." (You can see where this is going right?). Yep, back to the same loop. enter account id - enter 5 digit PIN - "Your PIN is not valid".

"Oh, ok" he said,

"All you have to do..."

My chest is tightening again, I was being directed BACK to my nearest branch. I chose not to go through that nightmare again. Instead I used the email address that had sent me my new account ID. I sent an email pointing out that not only are my accounts not showing up in my banking screen. But my 5 digit PIN is no longer valid and that I'm expected to return to the branch to resolve this.

The email reply was quite rapid I have to say. "Apologies [Sir], I have now added your accounts to your new online banking profile. You will need to add bill payees as you need them. And as for the 5 digit pin......if you phone 0800[xxxxxx] and follow the instructions you will be able to set the 5 digit pin yourself".

I wasn't as confident as she thought I should be.

By then it was late Friday afternoon and I had to make tea, the banks' "support" loop had successfully fried any part of my brain that the scammer had left (yeah, remember him?), so I called it a day and spent the weekend regrouping.

Over the weekend I did manage to sell the guitar, for cash. So I had cash safe from the scammers AND the bank. On Monday I bought a pair of shoes with the help of a pleasant young lady, we talked about photography. It was nice.

Tuesday morning arrived and I decided to give it another try. I rang the 0800 number. Again I got a human (yah?).

"Yes, sir I can definitely help with that" he said followed by a long pause, "Could you please just give me a minute while I put you on hold so I can check something?". "Or you could just ask me" I replied. He thought for a moment, and then took the bait.

"There seems to have been some unusual activity with your accounts,.." he started. "Unusual activity?" I repeated, my voice dangerously calm, "Son, my financial life has been less 'unusual activity' and more a full-blown interpretive dance piece entitled 'Apathy Meets Incompetence'. It's all in the extensive notes you have on your screen right now but let me break it down for you." I proceeded to Readers Digest the story at him as he listened. Once I had finished, he thought for a moment and then said. "I understand, so you have a temporary 5 digit PIN and you would like to reset it". "Where did you find the word 'temporary'?" I asked feeling that now familiar tightening in my chest again. "Oh, ok. Lets get this sorted." he stated, sounding full of confidence. "First, I'm just going to redirect you to our online verification system..."

I lost it.

Quietly, he didn't know yet. I went through the process again: enter online ID - enter your 5 digit PIN - "That is not a valid PIN". He comes back on the line, "Sir, it's seems your temporary PIN is not working". No shit Sherlock! "IT'S NOT A TEMPORARY PIN! IT'S THE PIN I'VE BEEN USING FOR OVER 20 YEARS! YOU'RE SYSTEM HAS CLEARLY RESET MY PIN WHEN IT CREATED MY NEW PROFILE AND NOBODY HAS, OR CAN, TELL ME WHAT IT HAS BEEN RESET TOO!!"

"I see" he said followed by a long pause and then...

"All you have to do..."

I didn't hear him finish.

Modern phones are so unsatisfying. I miss SLAMMING the handset back into it's cradle.

The scammer only wanted my money. The bank, it seemed, was after my sanity.